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Joke thread

Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out". Both were very
faithful, loving wives, however, they had gotten a bit over
enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery.

One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and
use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't
want to ruin them. Luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh
wreath with a ribbon on it so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls
completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He
phoned the other husband, and said "These damn girls' nights out have got to
stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card
stuck in the crack of her *** that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE
STATION...WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

---------------------------------------------------
BMW
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously
knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely
unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered
were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course,
Ibepokin.  Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs"
and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

-------------------------------------------------
Intelligence (but I still agree that Women are smarter Tongue)

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Driver
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window. For a few moments
everything was silent in the cab. Then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you
scared the daylights out of me." The frightened
passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could
frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my
fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... for the
last 25 years I've been driving a hearse.
   

To: All Al Qaeda Fighters

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halaal toaster).

Second: it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the *** out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing.
Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games.
Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey.
Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food.
Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen"
scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more.
   
   
   

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"




Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went
fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.


Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
   
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The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with valuables, when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe.Finally, he switched on his flashlight and played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.
He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin. He switched the flashlight on again and the beam shook from his terror. He looked around the room, and noticed a bird cage in the corner.
There was a parrot in the cage.
"Are you the one talking to me?" said the burglar.
"Yes, I am," said the parrot.
"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'" asked the man.
"Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.
By this time, the man had recovered from his fright. He was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him.
"What's your name?" asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said.
"Ha," the man guffawed. "What kind of people would name their parrot'Moses'?"
"The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'."


Why rednecks can't be paramedics:

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

   
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what
happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog."
   
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A m! an! reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses, what do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"!

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies???"
   
Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006


Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration and homeland security.





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language barrier
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange. There was a
short line ... just one person in front of me ... an Asian guy who
was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller, "Why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo
yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations..."




The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys, too!"

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night. After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the waiter to the table and asked him about it.
The waiter explained to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!"

What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium


Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
- They're cheaper than day rates.


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
- Because it's in the ground state
--------------------
Britney and Brandon get married. On their wedding night Britney
says to Brandon" baby Ive been saving myself for you, IM still a virgin"
Brandon leaps out of bed with a disgusted look on his face pts on his clothes leaves the motel and drives back to the Trailer park.
Next day Brandon is talking to Pa on the steps of the trailer.
"well son how was your wedding night?"
"Pa she told me she was still a virgin and i just plain ran outta there!!"

Pa "son ya done the right thing...if she aint good enough for her own family she aint good enough for ours...."



A middle aged man is having trouble getting a stify. He's tried every doctor and pill and remedy. So he finally turns to a witch doctor. The witch doctor agrees to take the case.
He performs a cerimony on the man and tells him, "it is done. All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and you will be the stiffest you've ever been, for as long as you want. But this only works ONCE per year."
So the man, a bit sceptical, says "ok", and asks how to turn it off. The doctor says, have your wife say "1 2 3 4".

So the next night he goes home, takes a shower, shaves, puts on his best after shave. And that night while laying next to his wife he says out loud to himself, "1 2 3". He was surprised to feel quite an effect immediately! He was so exicted, he turns to his wife and she looks over at him and says "what did you say one two three for?".



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............

What do you call a black guy fly'in an airplane?

Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh
Huh


answer:
Quote
*A PILOT you racist!*
Shocked

My favorite joke:

It was a special day at St. Margaret's school and the kids were all getting goodies. On one end of a table, there was a bit basket of apples. A sign neatly written by one of the nuns said, "Take only one. God is watching." On the other end of the table, was a plate of cookies. A sign in a child's scrawl said, "Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples."

These are legitimate companies dealing in regular products
and services, but they obviously didn't think through their domain names.
Some are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award!

      :2funny: A site called "Who Represents" where you can find the
                name of the agent who represents a particular celebrity. Their domain name
                is: www.whorepresents.com (http://www.whorepresents.com)
      
                :smiley6600:"Experts Exchange", a knowledge base where programmers
                can Exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com  (http://www.expertsexchange.com)
      
                :idiot2: Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island"
                at: penisand.net]www.penisland.net (http://www.[i)
      
                :tickedoff: Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
                www.therapistfinder.com (http://www.therapistfinder.com)
      
                ;) Then of course, there's the "Italian Power Generator
                Company" at: www.powergenitalia.com (http://www.powergenitalia.com)
      
                :tickedoff: And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based
                in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com)
      
                :-X If you're looking for computer software, there's
                always: www.ipanywhere.com (http://www.ipanywhere.com)
      
               8) Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their
               website is: www.cummingfirst.com (http://www.cummingfirst.com)
      
               :buck2: Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers,
               and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com (http://www.speedofart.com)
      
               ::). Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure
               website at: www.gotahoe.com (http://www.gotahoe.com) 

      

Haha! Some of them are great....

those are cute, lol

 :2funny:

We have had a Team meeting and decided to make some changes now on who can download the next TP release V.095.

Post count based download on the next release of TP V.095 will be made.

Hero Members allowed download first the same day of the release.

Full members allowed to download 1 day after release

Junior members allowed download 2 days after release

Newbies members allowed download 3 days after the release of TP V.095 from thee day it gets released.

This is because of the heavy server load on both downloading and users online that needs support.
Hope you will see this as some thing good and help us with your understanding.

/regards
Mrs-G6

Is this true or a joke?

At a guess, it is a joke, based on the thread its in!

also they missed sr. members... that would mean we could NEVER download it  :tickedoff:

Yes, techdomain cant use free things :D

maybe they're not sure on you JRW, 'coz you changed your name!!  maybe you have to start again ???
:2funny: :2funny:

just funning ya!!!

lol - I changed it to line up with what name I use on all the forums I am on (cept smfarcade where I cannot change it). Besides, it is more personal and nicer then using my site name.